Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Not all heroes wear capes….
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no