Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[canadians at you, canadianly]
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh