Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
You Might Also Like
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
❤️🦆
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL