Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..