I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Mornin. * use accordingly
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol