“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.