Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.