Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!