This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?