“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Saw your ex at the shops
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud