9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this