MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Why is this me 😫
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free