[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Pass gas, not judgment.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.