[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that