For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes