[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You Might Also Like
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates