[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.