I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.