The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.