Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.