me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.