Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper