“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Not helping
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.