I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.