ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.