Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks