[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.