Jesus Christ lmao
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NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”