[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
a god among men
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down