mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.