Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming