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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
do what now??
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*skinny dips into black hole
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.