Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
lol
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio