Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.