If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
*looks at you in batman voice*
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??