Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.