A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ