What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.