Just grow your own
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s