Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
anyone else like Italian cereal
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Awwwww shit.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Banana is the quietest snack