how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”