Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
New comic up. “Ransom”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate