Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
You Might Also Like
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.