The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.