I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.