Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Lmao 🤣
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife