Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.