The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.