cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You Might Also Like
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.