“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Lmao
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
They got a point!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”